Role models: borrow one habit from someone who already does it well

Using a role model well means choosing one area of your life, one person who already does that thing well, and one specific habit or behaviour of theirs to try, and then putting it into practice this week. It's built on Albert Bandura's social learning theory from the 1960s, which showed that we learn a great deal simply by watching others. Research also suggests role models inspire us most when their success feels within our reach.

Why does "be more like them" so rarely work?

Most of us have someone we admire from a distance. It might be a colleague who stays calm in every meeting however heated it gets, a friend who always seems to have their life in order, or someone who appears to make everything look easy.

So you make a resolution to be a bit more like them, and then not very much happens. That's hardly surprising, since you can't copy a whole person, and measuring yourself against the entirety of someone else's life is a reliable way to feel worse about your own.

There's a much kinder and more effective way to learn from the people you admire, and it starts with looking at what they actually do.

What does the research say about role models?

Albert Bandura, a psychologist at Stanford, showed in the early 1960s that we learn by watching. In his well-known Bobo doll experiments, children who watched an adult hit an inflatable doll went on to copy the behaviour, without being told to and without being rewarded for it. He developed that finding into social learning theory, and later into his work on self-efficacy, which is our belief that we're capable of doing something.

Adults learn in exactly the same way, just a little less consciously. We pick up habits, turns of phrase and ways of handling things from the people around us all the time, often without realising we've done it, which is why you may catch yourself saying something exactly the way a parent or an old boss used to. If we're going to learn from others anyway, it makes sense to choose deliberately who we learn from and what we take.

There's a helpful twist, though. In 1997, Penelope Lockwood and Ziva Kunda found that "superstar" role models inspire us when their success seems attainable, and can deflate us when it doesn't. So the most useful role model is often someone a step or two ahead of you, a person you can genuinely imagine becoming.

How does Role Models work in PiViva?

For each area you'd like to improve, you name the area, the person, and the exact habit or trait you'd like to borrow, and then you write down how you'll try it this week.

Being specific is the whole point. "Sarah's really organised" is lovely to say but hard to act on, whereas "Sarah writes her three priorities on a card every Monday before she opens her email" is something you can copy next Monday morning.

Your role models don't need to be famous, and they don't need to be admirable in every way. It's perfectly sensible to borrow one good habit from someone whose life you wouldn't want at all, since you're taking the behaviour and leaving everything else where it is. Three areas at most, with one habit from each, is plenty to be getting on with. It's also worth jotting down after a week or two how the borrowed habit is going, since some will fit your life straight away and others will need a little adjusting before they feel like your own.

What if you can't think of a role model?

Then look a little closer to home. A colleague, a neighbour, a friend's parent, or someone you follow online who does one thing particularly well can all be excellent role models.

Once you've chosen a habit, Building Habits will help you turn it into something you actually do, by attaching it to a routine you already have. Review it in a month and keep the habits that have stuck.

If the gap between you and the person you admire feels more like a confidence issue, the Belief-Results Cycle may show you what's been getting in the way. Either way, there's real encouragement in this tool, because it reminds you that the people you admire learned their habits too, and you can learn them in just the same way.