The self-compassion break: five minutes of kindness

A self-compassion break is a three-step pause for a difficult moment. You name what's hard, remind yourself that struggling is part of being human, and offer yourself the words you'd give a friend. It was developed by Kristin Neff at the University of Texas at Austin, and research links self-compassion to lower anxiety and stress, and to more motivation to improve after something has gone wrong.

Why are you so much harder on yourself than on anyone else?

Imagine a friend has just fumbled a presentation. You'd probably tell them it happens to everyone, that most people won't have noticed, and that they'll do brilliantly next time.

Now imagine it's you who fumbled it. The voice in your head is likely to say something rather different, along the lines of "you idiot, everyone saw that", and it may keep saying it for the rest of the day.

Most of us have a tone we use with ourselves that we'd never dream of using with anyone we cared about. We tend to believe that being hard on ourselves is useful, and that it keeps our standards up. It's a very common belief, and the research suggests there's a kinder and more effective way.

What does the research say about self-compassion?

Kristin Neff, a psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin, defined self-compassion in 2003 as having three parts: kindness towards yourself, recognising that suffering is part of the shared human experience, and being mindfully aware of what you're feeling. She also built the scale that most studies now use to measure it.

The evidence that has followed gently challenges the "be hard on yourself" belief. In 2012, a meta-analysis by Angus MacBeth and Andrew Gumley found a strong link between higher self-compassion and lower anxiety, depression and stress. That same year, Juliana Breines and Serena Chen found that people who responded to a failure with self-compassion were more motivated to improve, and more willing to try again.

So being kind to yourself after a setback appears to be one of the things that helps you get back up and try again.

How does the Self-Compassion Break work in PiViva?

There are three steps, and the whole thing takes less than five minutes. Nothing is scored, as the pause itself is the point.

In the first step, you name what's hard, and you say it plainly to yourself, something like "this is really difficult right now." In the second, you remind yourself that struggling is part of being human, and that you're far from the only person who has ever found this hard. In the third, you offer yourself the words you'd give a good friend in exactly the same position.

That third step is where many people get stuck, as the kind words simply won't come when they're aimed at ourselves. It can help to picture a friend standing in your shoes, imagine what you'd say to them, and then say it to yourself.

You can use it right in the moment, on a bad afternoon or just after something has gone wrong. There's nothing to prepare, it takes five minutes, and then you carry on with your day feeling a little steadier.

What if self-compassion feels like letting yourself off the hook?

That's one of the most common worries people have about it, and it's an understandable one. The research suggests the opposite is true, as Breines and Chen found that self-compassion made people more willing to take responsibility and to improve.

Once the difficult moment has passed and you're feeling calmer, you can look at what happened with clearer eyes. The ABCDE Model can help you take an upsetting event apart and look at the thinking behind your reaction. And if that harsh inner voice seems tied to a belief you've carried for a long time, Limiting Beliefs is a good place to examine where it came from.

If you find you're struggling a lot of the time, please do talk to someone. Your GP or a qualified therapist is the right first step, and Viv will gently point you towards help as well. You deserve the same kindness you'd so readily give to someone else, and it's never too late to start offering it to yourself.